OK, so it’s been a VERY long time since I have posted here, from posting almost every day to 1 post in a blue moon, honestly it’s not because I did not want to but because I had nothing to write about, no inspiration, no stories to tell, no thoughts to share.
I must admit I do miss it as it was a release, or perhaps even an escape from reality, which sort of makes sense considering in the past year I haven’t had that need to escape, the need to run the need to be alone with my thoughts, the past year has been amazing, I have had so much happiness.
This is why I am here today. I know I have posted something similar before but I felt the need to do so again, somehow it all feels too good to be true as if I do not deserve all this happiness and it could be ripped away at any moment. These negative thoughts started creeping in my mind last night while my boyfriend was packing to go away for a conference, you see HE is the source of my recent happiness, I don’t remember the last time I have been this happy as I have been with him.
What you are about to read has been something I have struggled with for many years, but yesterday it came back with such an intensity that I started to cry. While you read this you might think I am crazy but I can assure you I am not, and unless you have experienced this there is no way for you to understand what it feels like to have these thoughts invade your mind and then when they are there to struggle to change them from a negative to a positive.
While my boyfriend was packing I looked at him and suddenly the thought that I would never see him again was all I could think about, these thoughts are not only scary but almost crippling, all I could think about was, what if… what if something happened and he never came home, where does that leave me… it got to the point that if I had remained in the room with him I would have burst into tears. so I got up and went to shower, in the shower the feelings just overwhelmed me and I could not stop the tears from coming, that did not last long though I stood in the shower and the first thing that came to my mind was GOD & CHURCH… why ??? I have no idea but it did. So I prayed for Shaun’s Safety and that he would return home to me. I then realized that my relationship with God has not been what it was. So I made a promise to not only fix that but to try and get Shaun to accept Him as well.
After showering I sat on the bed and thought to myself that I would discuss going back to church with Shaun some other time, but something kept telling do it now, if you don’t do it now you never will. So I decided to tell Shaun and I did, he responded better than I had hoped he said it’s something he has been thinking about as well and that he is all open to us going to church.
So that is what we will be doing and it feels good.
There is still one thing though the negative thoughts while they went away last night after my decision they came back today, but now as writing this the negative thoughts are once again gone, however I know at some point they will return, does anyone else suffer from kind of anxiety and how do you deal with it?
It will be nice to hear from you guys.
Ok so my last post was about 2011 being the best year of my life, now let’s do 2012, I am not one to make resolutions as I never seem to keep to them, in the years past I have found that I set unbelievably high goals for myself and unrealistic resolutions. This year I have decided that, I will not set any resolutions, NOT ONE. I will however make certain commitments to God and to myself, and I will take it 1 day at a time.
1st the MOST important commitment I make is to be a vessel of God’s light and allowing him to shine through me, through my attitude, my deeds, my words I want people to see a change in me, I want them to see how Great God is.
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven (Matthew 5:16).
The night is far spent, the day is at hand. Therefore let us cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armour of light. (Romans 13:12)
2nd I commit to reading my bible even if it’s for 5 minutes a day but EVERY day.
3rd I commit to scripture memory; a Christian will not always have their bible handy when in “sticky” situations so being able to refer to them at any given moment is an amazing ability.
4th I commit to improving my prayer life, and spending more quiet time with God.
5thI commit to fasting, whether it be 3 days, 10 days, 21 days whatever it is, I will make this an important part of my life and will do it periodically.
6th I commit to a healthier lifestyle, eating healthier meals, drinking more water etc, start walking… while I don’t drink much alcohol anymore I do have the occasional drink, I want this to stop COMPLETELY I do not want to drink.
7th I commit to being more involved in the church whether it be volunteering as an usher or handing out pamphlets at the door whatever it is I will become more involved
8th I commit to joining a home group in my area, and meeting new people, making new Christian friends that I can encourage and also be encouraged by.
9th I commit to helping the needy wherever I can, feeding the homeless on Christmas day was an amazing experience and I commit to doing it more often not only once a year.
10th I commit to reducing the time I spend watching TV and to use that extra time to speak to God.
11th I commit to standing up for myself and to not let people walk all over me and abuse me just because I do not know how to say NO.
12th I commit to saturate my everyday life with God, whether it be reading Christian books, listening to Christian CD’s, pasting scriptures and verses all over my house, I want my life to be a constant reminder to me that I am a Christian and that I live for Jesus.
Yes so I have 12 “commitments” there are 12 months in a year so 12 commitments is an ok amount I would say. And NO I will not tackle 1 commitment a month they will all be tackled on a daily basis. And by the end of 2012 and beginning of 2013 I will be EVEN more amazed at my transformation through Jesus as what I am right now.
What am I doing or not doing that makes me go back and forth the way I do. Whoever said being a Christian was easy is VERY mistaken. It is by FAR the most difficult thing I have ever done was being a Christian. WHY you say??
Well Satan is there by your side all the time just like Jesus, however he is there trying to tempt you, tells you that you are not good enough etc. He is there standing by to watch you fall, and believe me when you do he is the first there to be the wolf with sheep’s clothing and he knows it is easy. Being a Christian you face so many obstacles once you give your life to the Lord, Satan will go into overdrive the temptation will double you will be ridiculed and judged. All you can do is be strong, have faith and pray. Ask the Lord to be with you all the time to protect you from the evils of this world.
So here is how I see it and this comes from my OWN personal experience, for I too have gone back and forth from serving the Lord to living my life the way choose to live it.
When I first became a Christian I was on fire for the Lord, my life was great and things were going well, then eventually I would go back to my old ways and slowly but surely I forgot about the Lord I stopped going to church, stopped reading my bible, one other VERY important thing I noticed is that my life FELL apart. Things just started going wrong. I would often sit and asked myself what I did to deserve all this, to deserve the struggle, heartache and pain. The answer is clear it’s not what I did it’s what I didn’t do that caused my life to fall apart. It was because I did not invite Jesus back into my life, He was not there to give me peace and to make me feel loved like I did when He was part of my life.
Which brings me back to my question why is it so easy to backslide. Yes when you give into satan’s temptations things go great for a while until he has succeeded 100% in getting rid of the Lord in your life, then he does not care that’s when things go wrong, I mean he has you now, why does he still need to tempt you with money and all your hearts desires? I remember what my life was like without the Lord and what it was like with Him, and although being a Christian is by FAR harder than not being a Christian, it is also by far better, being a Christian I feel at peace with myself, I feel loved and happy, I feel safe, I feel like I can do anything and conquer anything. I feel inspired, I am passionate about the Lord, and quite honestly I don’t care what anyone thinks about me, you can think I am crazy and I have lost my mind but there are 2 roads I can take, on my left is the narrow and extremely bumpy and on the other the wide and smooth, the left being the life with the Lord, and the other being the life with satan, I would rather choose the narrow and bumpy, because I know that once satan has his claws in you the wide and smooth road that you once saw will become even more narrow and bumpy, and dangerous, where as what started as the narrow and bumpy will turn into the wide and smooth which is the abundance of Jesus and all His blessings.
All this boils down to one thing, in life you have ONE very important choice, and that is whether you choose to LIVE OR DIE…. Jesus provides you with eternal life, in heaven with Him. So what choice do you make? GOD or spiritual and eventually physical death? You cannot have both. You cannot have GOD in your life and at the same time live a life of sin, if you accept Jesus you have to accept Him 100%. I am not saying I am perfect and living a sin free life but I am trying VERY hard to live the life He wants me to live.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Comments welcome…