OK, so it’s been a VERY long time since I have posted here, from posting almost every day to 1 post in a blue moon, honestly it’s not because I did not want to but because I had nothing to write about, no inspiration, no stories to tell, no thoughts to share.
I must admit I do miss it as it was a release, or perhaps even an escape from reality, which sort of makes sense considering in the past year I haven’t had that need to escape, the need to run the need to be alone with my thoughts, the past year has been amazing, I have had so much happiness.
This is why I am here today. I know I have posted something similar before but I felt the need to do so again, somehow it all feels too good to be true as if I do not deserve all this happiness and it could be ripped away at any moment. These negative thoughts started creeping in my mind last night while my boyfriend was packing to go away for a conference, you see HE is the source of my recent happiness, I don’t remember the last time I have been this happy as I have been with him.
What you are about to read has been something I have struggled with for many years, but yesterday it came back with such an intensity that I started to cry. While you read this you might think I am crazy but I can assure you I am not, and unless you have experienced this there is no way for you to understand what it feels like to have these thoughts invade your mind and then when they are there to struggle to change them from a negative to a positive.
While my boyfriend was packing I looked at him and suddenly the thought that I would never see him again was all I could think about, these thoughts are not only scary but almost crippling, all I could think about was, what if… what if something happened and he never came home, where does that leave me… it got to the point that if I had remained in the room with him I would have burst into tears. so I got up and went to shower, in the shower the feelings just overwhelmed me and I could not stop the tears from coming, that did not last long though I stood in the shower and the first thing that came to my mind was GOD & CHURCH… why ??? I have no idea but it did. So I prayed for Shaun’s Safety and that he would return home to me. I then realized that my relationship with God has not been what it was. So I made a promise to not only fix that but to try and get Shaun to accept Him as well.
After showering I sat on the bed and thought to myself that I would discuss going back to church with Shaun some other time, but something kept telling do it now, if you don’t do it now you never will. So I decided to tell Shaun and I did, he responded better than I had hoped he said it’s something he has been thinking about as well and that he is all open to us going to church.
So that is what we will be doing and it feels good.
There is still one thing though the negative thoughts while they went away last night after my decision they came back today, but now as writing this the negative thoughts are once again gone, however I know at some point they will return, does anyone else suffer from kind of anxiety and how do you deal with it?
It will be nice to hear from you guys.
I was having a discussion with a friend yesterday; about Christianity and when we gave our lives to the Lord Etc. You see the thing is I have been a “Christian” all my life, but it is only NOW in the past few months that I have had that “TOTAL CONVERSION” so to speak. What I mean by that is that I am now at that point where God takes precedence over EVERYTHING in my life. My friend said the same thing, he has been a Christian his whole life but he too had a time in his life where he had that same “TOTAL CONVERSION” which was a few years ago.
In my previous post I mentioned that I had come across certain areas in my life where I still wanted to have control and not hand over the reins to God, and that is true. Then I started to think to myself how I could claim to have had this TOTAL CONVERSION, if I didn’t surrender ALL of me to the Lord. My friends and other bloggers all made the same point that we will struggle with this till the day we die. In fact 1 friend told me that he discovers things every day that he needs to hand over to God.
So the more I think about it the more I realise that like my friend said there will be MANY more times like this in my life that I have not handed over the control to God. The main thing is that I am aware of it and know that God is working in me, because he is bringing these things to my attention, telling me “let me have that part of your life…”
Like my friend said in a year from now I am going to look back and I am going to see how I have grown. The thing is I am doing that now already. I am looking back only as far back as when I started this Blog, and I have Grown SO MUCH and learnt so much. It’s amazing. God has been with me every step of the way, guiding every step I took.
Today I stand in amazement at how far I have come, I never once thought I would be able to let go of past hurts and experiences, but I have. I cannot remember how I coped without God, I can’t remember my life without him, I remember the big events in my life but small things seem so distant. The big things whether good or bad I see now that they were there for me for the purpose of making me stronger. Many times I have asked God “where were you when…..? Why did you let that happen…..? Etc. looking back God was there he always was. I chose to shut him out, but he remained by my side throughout my life and for that I am grateful. So every experience in my life was a part of who I am today and made me the person I am today. Had I not been through all of that, would I be sitting here and looking back at how I have grown??? I don’t thinks so.
So when you think God has left your side, think again HE IS THERE, HE IS ALWAYS THERE!!!!
Deuteronomy 31:6 – “Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”
Joshua 1:5 – No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life; as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you nor forsake you.
1 Chronicles 28:20 -And David said to his son Solomon, “Be strong and of good courage, and do it; do not fear nor be dismayed, for the Lord God-my God-will be with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you, until you have finished all the work for the service of the house of the Lord.
I was chatting to a friend yesterday (Well 2 friends to be exact) about the ways in which people can hear from the Lord(Holy Spirit), I had specifically asked if he has heard of or knew anyone that has heard the Lord speak to them but in an audible voice, the reason for my question was that I had heard of this before where people claim to have heard the voice of the Lord audibly, I however have never met anyone that has said this and myself never heard the Lord’s voice audibly either.
Now I am sure there are various ways in which people can hear from the Lord, I am not sure what those ways are hence why I decided to ask my friends who have been on their Walk with the Lord for much longer than I have, you see the thing is, I have been Lead to do things that I would never normally do for example fasting, I really feel like the Lord wants me to fast.
But not just with fasting I feel that the Lord is really speaking to me and finally I am learning to discern the difference between the Lord speaking to me and just my random thoughts, I will give you a few examples, a few days ago I did a post about finding the right person for you and also the way in which you approach that subject, I also used the analogy of apples and that if you had a whole bag of apples and only one apple was ok to eat you would not eat all the bad ones and THEN only eat the good one, to get back to my point, I had the title in mind before I started to write my post it was SUPPOSED to be Good Apple or Bad Apples, I never once notice that I had made a typo on the title and only when I was about to publish the post did I see there was a mistake and that I had typed God Apple or Bad Apples so I was about to change it when suddenly I had this “thought” no don’t change it you made the typo because that is what I want the title to be. So then I ended up making it God’s Apple or Bad Apples and I must admit if you read the body of my post it actually makes pretty good sense.
Then another instance was yesterday morning where I was reading a blog but as I started to read another “thought” popped into my head and it was this “pay attention to this post and read it carefully as this applies to you”
Now I refer to both these instances as thoughts because that is how I feel that the Lord is communicating with me. The difference between what I feel is the Lord speaking to me as opposed to my thoughts is this, when I wanted to change the title of my post the thought was as if someone was SPEAKING to me and I was not speaking to myself so to speak, let me clarify what I mean by this, the thought was exactly as this “No do not change the title YOU made the typo because I wanted YOU to make it because that is what I want the title to be”. You see what I mean here it was not as if I was thinking I must not change the title it was something saying YOU must not change the title.
The same as with the post I read, I did not think that I must read the post because it applies to me it was “YOU must read this post because it applies to YOU”.
So you see it’s not just a random thought it is as if someone is speaking to me.
The reason I approached my friends with this is because even though I was sure that I was hearing from the Lord, I still doubted him and doubted that it was in fact him speaking to me. And my friend pointed this out to me he said “Just Believe” every time you think you hear from the Lord you start to doubt “Just believe it is him and have faith that it is him.
“But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.” (John 16:13)
“But the Counsellor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.” (John 14:26)
I am sure if the Lord were here now he would be shaking me and telling me Catch a wakeup, it is me speaking and not you thinking.