I have been trying my best to fight these feelings but it is not easy. The last few weeks I have been on such an emotional roller-coaster, and right now I am struggling to think positively. I have had issues with family members, one that is suicidal due to financial problems, and as a result I am getting myself into financial trouble because I am just so scared of what might happen if someone does not help. Then there is another family member that is in the position to help but refuses to.
I know this might seem like I am whining and complaining but I need to let it out somehow, and at this point in time there is no one in my family that I can speak to, it’s almost as if we are at war with each other, because we don’t see eye to eye.
I feel almost as if I am falling further and further into this big hole and soon I will not be able to get out, don’t get me wrong I am praying and reading my bible, but nothing seems to change. I keep asking myself the question, is this God that is testing my faith perhaps? Or is this satan attacking me knowing exactly where my weaknesses are and feeding off of them. I just don’t know.
Whatever the answer to that question, my love for the Lord does not change, I know that he is here with me and that if he weren’t maybe things would be 10 times worse. One thing I know for sure I MUST KEEP the faith that things will improve, without God I cannot go on, this might seem like a contradiction to some people, but here is something for those of you that see it that way, I am human and also struggle with emotions, doubts and fears. Just because I choose to put my faith in God does not make it any easier. I dare say that it becomes even more difficult for us because we now have the devil trying to make us fall.
It is very easy to fall and think things that are not of Christ because our whole lives we have been conditioned into that way of thinking but when we submit to the Lord and strive to become like him it takes HARD work, determination, effort and above all else FAITH, to be able to stay on the narrow path.
There are many out there that are facing the same things I am, just know that you MUST keep the faith, God will never let you go through trials more than what you are able to overcome.
Just writing this post has made me feel slightly better actually. I don’t know about you but I find blogging to be quite therapeutic.
Ok so it’s a New Year and along with the New Year I have decided to make certain changes in my life. Today has been a strange day, while it should have been a good day for me it was slightly off… all the things that have been bothering me the past few months or so just flooded to the surface I don’t know if it was just because it’s a new year or because I am now older and things need to change I don’t know, and NO I am not having a midlife crisis lol im NOT THAT OLD HA HA
For those that know me, know that I find it extremely difficult to say NO, if someone asks for help whatever it may be I always seem to say yes, and everyone seems to come to me, because they know I am sure to help, while that is my aim to help others in need, now this is where I struggle with this matter, we are supposed to help people in need, but must we still help when the help borders on use and abuse, go to Bernadette she WILL DEFINATELY help you…? Do I have the right to say no then? You see I have this problem with certain people, and while they help me a lot as well I feel like I am being taken advantage of because they have a certain attitude of you owe me so you must do this for me… keep mentioning I did this and this and that for you so you must help me with this favour. Not taking into consideration how many little favours I do which all add up, sometimes more often than not I have to cancel my plans and drop everything because generally these favours are required of me at the last minute.
Then there is the issue of my Mother, while my mother herself is not the issue, the issue involves her. You see I look after my mother, and I do it with the greatest of pleasure, although sometimes it is a struggle, as I do not earn a lot of money. While my brother helps me where he can, my sister does very little, please do not get me wrong here, I am not trying to name and shame anyone nor am I purposely airing our dirty laundry as they say but this has bothered me for some time and I do not know how to handle it. I have approached my sister about this before but have had no success, I am not asking for hand out just merely for her to take some responsibility as well. While I understand her reason for not doing more, I just feel that it’s a bit unfair that I am left to do it by myself. She believes that my mother lived her life made her mistakes and why must she suffer for it ok I understand SOME of her reasoning but not all of it. It really is a struggle for me honestly my brother has helped me so much even though he himself is struggling, whereas my sister has no financial problems at the moment. That is what bothers me the most, is that while she can help she does not, and I must admit it is causing a bit of resentment. I do not want to start 2012 off like this but I do not know quite how to deal with this issue without making the problem worse, the last thing I want is to cause a rift between my sister and I, as despite our issues I love her very much and do not want to have a strained relationship. (So here is where the peacemaker / people pleaser in me comes out and says well then this is best left unsaid and buried under the carpet)
I was sitting at my laptop and thinking if the things that needed to change and realised that the 2 problems above are 2 BIG issues in my life and I feel it is holding me back, while another issue is financial, it really is a struggle every month so tonight I decided to update my CV (resume) and apply for other jobs, jobs that paid more than what I was earning. I applied for one position and suddenly I felt this uneasiness come over me, it’s like when people say trust your gut, it was that kind of feeling that something was just not right, I chatted to my friend about it, he told me that I should listen and not look for another Job right now, God is clearly trying to tell me that the time is not right. Which led me to the question WHY? Why is the time not right, why have I been put in these situations, etc etc. My friend then told me that everything happens for a reason, God has a bigger plan for me and that me wanting to find another Job is not part of his plan right now. My friend is right; however it is still not easy. I have prayed about my financial situation before and things just do not seem to change, while I trust God and his plan, I just wonder sometimes wonder when things will change. While here it may seem to you that I have no faith that things will change, I prayed about it and continue to thank God for it. Maybe I am not doing it right I have no clue.
I will continue to pray and trust God and His timing, as well as some clarity on why finding another Job that will pay more not the right thing for me.
While some of you might think that I am complaining I really am not, this is something that has really been bothering me and I needed to get it out somehow, bottling it up is just making it worse.
So… sorry to those that have read this and did not enjoy reading it but this blog is after all my Journey and the struggles I face are part of the same Journey.
If anyone is facing a similar situation please feel free to leave a comment. I would love to know how others deal with these things.
God Bless all.
Well 2011 was a very difficult year for me, I wanted it to end, that clock could not have struck 12 any sooner than what it had, everyone was counting down for the new year to begin I was counting down for the old one to end, or so I thought.
Then I sat and thought about everything that has happened and thought that maybe JUST maybe 2011 was the best year yet.
I met some amazing people, had some good laughs, memories that I will cherish forever. I had to face a lot of hard truths about me and the path I was on. I lost a family member someone who I loved dearly; family secrets were revealed that shook me to the core. I had been through a rejection by someone I cared for dearly, but yet through all that today our relationship is stronger than ever and we have remained friends through it, in fact I am a stronger woman today because of him.
I suffered from severe depression, I didn’t want to live or SO I THOUGHT, but looking back at the past couple of months it was never a depression it was an emptiness something was missing in my life something that was meant to be there but just was not. Somewhere along my life Journey I lost Jesus, but 2011 was the year that I found him, the emptiness is Gone AND THAT WAS THE BEST PART OF 2011, what was missing in my life is now present, not only did I find Jesus I also found myself, the person that was buried under all the pain and heartache, the person that was consumed by her struggle.
I have made some amazing friends, some whom I have grown to depend on some who have been an inspiration. So I would like to mention some friends and family here, just to say thank you for making my 2011 great.
Firstly to Gigi (you know who you are), the friend that convinced me to write about my feelings, the whole reason I started this blog, you have been a pillar of strength to me in so many ways even though you are so far away, the times we shared when we lived together and worked together I will cherish forever, the jokes we made the laughs we had are a part of y memory and can never be erased. I LOVE YOU FRIEND, DEARLY. I can’t wait for the day when I will get so see you again, I can like to think I will pee in my JEAN PANT hahahahah ok so friend I can’t get the accent through to you on this blog but I am sure you can picture me saying it and I bet you right now you are REALLY just about to pee in your jean pant with laughter.
Then I want to thank my mother for Just being there, and doing the best she could with what she had, I Love YOU.
To my brother for being my support system month after month even though you too are struggling.
To my sister for believing in me when others sometimes didn’t.
Ok so for the sake of anonymity once again thank you to Frikkie hee hee… I complain a lot I know, and you have been the one at work that has just sat there listening to me all day long, goodness knows how annoying I must be sometimes, thank you for being someone I could talk to about work, issues, and about God, thank you for being a key player in me finding the thing that was missing in my life. Thank you to Lourens, too for putting up with my constant BBM messages asking about things that I do not understand regarding Christianity or things that I just need clarity on, thank you both for being so transparent in your love for Jesus, it was that transparency that made me want more in my life. You both are such an inspiration to me Thank you.
Thank you to Michele, even though we have never met, in the past 2 months we have become close via this blog and been an inspiration to each other, I feel a real connection to you and that connection is Jesus, I see you as a sister in Christ. Who knows maybe one day I will get to meet my new friend.
To John, also one of my new blogging friends, both you and your blog have been an inspiration, for me and I look forward to reading your blog every time I see a new post, your testimony is one that can greatly help others that are now where you have already been in your life, it was through your blog that God gave me the confirmation that I needed to do what needs to be done.
When I started this blog I never thought for one moment that I would get to interact with so many people and it is amazing, this blog has been a huge healing process for me and I never thought I would ever say this but I have discovered a new passion, and that is this blog, writing these posts have been an unbelievable healing process for me.
So to all of you who have influenced my life THANK you I pray that 2012 will be an amazing year for all of you.
ABOVE ALL, thank you Lord for filling this gap in my life, and making me the strong Woman I am today, and it just keeps getting better.
Isaiah 43:18-19 – “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
So in answering my posts title/question 2011 was by far the best year yet, bring on 2012 it can only get better.
While many of you are still celebrating christmas with your families christmas for me is pretty much over, so I am home now and thought I would share this cute story with you.
I was with the family for christmas today and we were telling stories of our childhood and the silly things we did or said, so my sister decided to share what my niece had done.
Last night she asked my sister if she could put out some cookies and milk for Santa, which she did and then went to bed. while my niece was asleep my sister had eaten the cookies and drank the milk but was sure to leave proof that santa was there, she left some cookie crumbs as evidence…
At 1 am in the morning my niece woke up, which might I add is very rare for her to wake up in the middle of the night it must have been the pure excitement of Santa’s visit, anyway back to the point at 1 am she woke up and went to my sisters room woke my sister and her fiance up and told them she cannot sleep and can they please get up and go with her to see if Santa is there.
She saw that there were only crumbs left on the plate and the glass of milk was empty, she was SO excited that Santa had come and there were more present under the tree, she was not even the least bit phased that she had missed santa.
Then she went to inspect the new additions to the gifts under the tree and looked a little confused, turned to my sister and said “Mommy Santa has the same wrapping paper as us.” Not once did she question the autenticity of “Santa” just made an observation that he used the same wrapping paper. I could not contain myself with laughter. She is the most adorable little girl ever, the things that come out of childrens mouths can only make you smile, if you ever feeling a little down just take a listen to the children around you and maybe just maybe one of them will say something to make you laugh.
A couple of weeks we all went away for a weekend, we were in my sisters car and the adults were discussing something, obviously somethings kids don’t understand, because the next minute my niece said that she wishes her brain will wake up so that she can join in the conversation.
God Bless All, hopefully my niece has help put a smile on your face as she has mine. Lets not forget what today is really about JESUS.
Living in South Africa, we have our own sports, the different sports star; I have only recently come to hear about Tim Tebow. So what makes him so special that I am writing about him? I am sure most of you already know the answer to that, Tim Tebow is a Christian, so there are lots of Christians that I could write about, why HIM??? Because he is a famous sports star, so let me give you some history courtesy of Google and Wikipedia and various other news sites etc.
Timothy Richard “Tim” Tebow, born August 14, 1987) is an American football player who is currently the starting quarterback for the Denver Broncos of the National Football League (NFL). He was drafted by the Broncos as the 25th overall pick in the 2010 NFL Draft and played college football at Florida.
Tebow was selected in the 1st round of the 2010 NFL draft by the Denver Broncos. He started the last three games of his rookie season and became the Broncos’ full-time starting QB beginning in the 6th game of 2011. His team was 1-4 before Tebow began playing regularly, but immediately began winning with him on the field, often by coming from behind late in the 4th quarter.
Tebow was born in Makati City in the Philippines, to American parents who were serving as Christian Baptist missionaries at the time. His mother, Pamela Elaine (née Pemberton), is the daughter of a U.S. Army colonel, and his father, Robert Ramsey Tebow II, is a pastor. While pregnant, his mother suffered a life-threatening infection with a pathogenic amoeba. Because of the drugs used to rouse her from a coma and to treat her dysentery, the foetus experienced a severe placental abruption. Doctors had expected a stillbirth and recommended an abortion to protect her life, although abortions are illegal in the Philippines, but she remained undaunted and refused having an abortion.
Wow, what an amazing story not so? I mean think about it, the doctors told his mother to abort him, she refused, and she had faith that both of them would survive and look at him today, a famous football player. Still what makes him so special? It is simple.
HIS FAITH IN JESUS
Tim Tebow used the amazing platform he had been given to tell people about the Lord, and to be a role model to other young and IMPRESSIONABLE sports enthusiasts. WHAT better way to use the platform other than to serve the Almighty Jesus. That is AMAZING, he uses his platform to Praise the Lord. Just imagine how many people he can reach and has already reached just by proclaiming his Faith to the world.
Now did you know there is this thing called the Tebow Rule:
In 2010, a new rule for the next NCAA football season, dubbed “The Tebow Rule” by media because it would have affected him, banned messages on eye paint. During his college football career, Tebow frequently wore references to biblical verses on his eye black. In the 2009 BCS Championship Game, he wore John 3:16 on his eye paint, and as a result, 92 million people searched “John 3:16” on Google during or shortly after the game. Additionally, later, when Tebow switched to another verse, there were 3.43 million searches of “Tim Tebow” and “Proverbs 3:5-6” together. Tebow stated of the searches: “It just goes to show you the influence and the platform that you have as a student-athlete and as a quarterback at Florida”.
The NFL already has a rule like this in prohibiting players from wearing messages on eye black; so, Tebow would not be able to continue the practice in the NFL. Despite the media labelling it as the Tebow rule, the NCAA denies the rule was influenced by Tebow particularly, since many other notable players (Reggie Bush and Terrelle Pryor for example) wear or have worn messages on eye black. An NCAA spokesman said “When this rule was proposed the committee did not focus on any one team or student athlete. That measure reinforces what the intended use of eye black is which is to shade the eyes from the sun.”
Ok SERIOUSLY add up 92 MILLION and 3.43 MILLION searches on Google = 95.43 MILLION people searched those scriptures. Do you get that not… let me repeat: 95.43 MILLION PEOPLE, NOW THAT is a HUGE PLATFORM FOR JESUS.
I commend Tim Tebow for his dedication to the Lord, and can only hope and pray that the Lord will use me in this way too or whichever way HE sees fit for my life.
Tim Tebow and the surging Denver Broncos are the biggest story in the NFL this season, as his leadership style, fourth quarter heroics and unabashed religiosity feed a national media frenzy. As Fred Bowen reported.
May we all look to Tim Tebow and strive to do the same for JESUS.
Have a look at this YouTube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QUe8NLZztY
The title to today’s post was click here, it’s bound to make you curious, and it did that is why you are here not so?… now let’s say I changed the title of my blog to say click here for great freebies, would you have clicked?… I would have. What about if the title was click here to win a car??? Would you have clicked it…? I definitely would have no doubt.
But what if I changed the topic to, Jesus loves you… click here for more info? How many of you would have clicked on my post? Those numbers would have dropped I am sure… or what if I made the topic… Jesus would love for you to get to know Him better click here…. would you have clicked?? Again I am sure the numbers would drop.
Why is that? Is it because you do not believe in Jesus? Is it because you are too busy to know Jesus?? If that’s the case then why are you still here and why did you then click my post? Because surely if you too busy for Jesus then you too busy to read this post too?? (Don’t get me wrong I am GLAD you did) So here is the real topic of this post, and I pray that you will read to the end.
God Loves YOU, he wants to be a part of your life… Are you going to invite him in?
For many years I have been a believer in Jesus, but although I went to church and was involved that was about it, it was all on the surface but if you had to scratch a little deeper you would see I was a person that did the wrong things, the partying, drinking etc. I never really took God seriously. Up until recently that is.
Let’s take a look at scripture verses:
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved [attain wholeness].
He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.
God sent his son for us so that we could be saved I mean how awesome is that, those of you that are parents? How many of you can actually say that you would make that sacrifice? So what does that say about God? What does that say about the amazing love he has for each and every one of us?
1 Peter 5:7:
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).
It is clear, he wants you to give him all your worries and burdens because he cares for you….
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.
Now contrary to what you might think, I am not one of those people who will try and force you to do something that you don’t want to do, I don’t want to force you to believe in Jesus, or force you to accept him as your Saviour, I merely want to tell you that you are missing out on the most AMAZING love ever.
You are missing out on Blessings; you are missing out on healing. You are missing out on a relationship with your creator.
Now let’s take a look at the life of Christopher Hitchens: (13 April 1949 – 15 December 2011) was a British-American author and journalist whose books, essays, and journalistic career spanned more than four decades (Taken from Wikipedia). Christopher Hitchens, was an atheist, he mocked God, he even went as far as writing a book called God is not Great. In fact his friend Rick Warren himself said on twitter and I quote “My friend Christopher Hitchens has died. I loved and prayed for him constantly & grieve his loss. He knows the Truth now”. This made me wonder where his final resting place is. We do not know for sure, who knows maybe all the praying that Rick Warren did for him planted the seed, and maybe in his last dying moments he asked God to forgive him and come into his life, we can never know, I pray that he did, or should I say I HOPE he did, because to pray for that now would be pointless.
Which now brings me to my next question…? If you wear to die right now, for whatever reason it doesn’t really matter I suppose, but if you died right now do you know where you would go? Heaven or hell? Or maybe you are like Christopher Hitchens, and you do not believe that God even exists, and that this post means absolutely nothing to you and that you think I am some Bible basher that knows nothing, would you not rather be safe than sorry. I would rather die having the assurance that I will go to heaven, and if I pass on and there is in fact no heaven or hell (which I doubt) then I have lost nothing, but if I died without accepting Jesus into my life and got to heaven and was told sorry you can’t come in your final accommodation is hell then I have lost everything.
I am just not prepared to take that chance, are you?
If you have not been accepted Jesus Christ into your life—let me invite you to surrender yourself to him now.
For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.
Give your life to God by accepting Jesus as your Saviour and Lord. Let me invite you to read the following as a prayer.
Dear God, I declare that I am a sinner. Please forgive my sins and accept me as your child. I invite you to be my Saviour and the Lord of my life. I surrender myself to you in the name of Jesus Christ, my Saviour and Lord.
That was the first step, in order for you to really experience the love of God you really need to build that relationship with him, get to know him by reading the bible, praying and just fellowshipping with him, you might not hear him but he can hear you even when no words come out of your mouth, and slowly but surely he will reveal himself to you little by little.
If you are still reading this then I thank you, and I pray that a seed has been planted in your heart, that if you have not accepted Jesus that you will do so whether now or next week or next year that you will accept him.
That is the purpose of my blog, to win souls for Jesus.
May God Bless you.
I have recently started reading a book called “walking in your own shoes” by Robert A. Schuller; I have only just finished reading the dedication, forward, acknowledgments introduction and the first chapter of the book and I must say I think I am going to enjoy this book.
After reading the first chapter I felt the need to do this post, now the thing is that I haven’t gotten to that point where I can fully discern when it is that I am hearing from God or when it is Random thoughts popping into my head, nevertheless I will get there eventually where I am able to tell the difference.
I started house sitting last from last night, I quite enjoy it because I get away for a couple of weeks from my everyday life, those mundane routines and tasks that need to get done every day. Sometime throughout the course of the day yesterday I made the conscious decision that while I was in this house looking after it for the owners I would not switch on the TV, that I would take this time alone to delve a little further into the word of God and to try and strengthen my relationship with him some more, then when I got here I did what I normally do when I get home, kicked off my shoes put the kettle on for coffee, tea or whatever it is at that point that tickles my fancy… then to pick up the TV remote switch it on watch my favourite soapie “7 de Laan” for those of you who do not reside in south Africa 7 de Laan is one of our local TV shows. Anyway last night when I went for the remote I suddenly got this thought in my head, it was quite funny actually it was like someone was telling me “no no no put that remote down … remember the promise you made… step away from the remote”. Well I put the remote down and drank my coffee then decided to pick the remote up again and switch on the TV but then again as I picked it up… that same thought popped into my head again, so I decided to switch my laptop on, I started off my reading a few of the blogs I follow, but then I felt the need to do the post before this one.
Let me just tell you one thing, I have never been so honest about anything in my entire life, not even to myself, it took a lot out of me, I felt emotionally spent after writing that post. But glad I did. I felt a sense of release.
So this evening as I sit here and write the post I have a small prayer request, I want to walk in my shoes not someone else’s but mine. So let me tell you a bit about my current situation. Hopefully God will either give me some sort of confirmation or he will give someone reading this post something, some word or scripture or message or something.
I currently work for a company and have been with them for almost a year and a half now, I don’t earn a big salary in fact for the past couple of months things have been really tight, and while the company itself is not the greatest company to work for or the Job I have is not FANTASTIC, some of the people there are amazing people, so let me tell you a bit about them, to my left at the door, is one of the newbie’s… well not necessarily new but he has been there the least amount of time, he also happens to be the youngest, he is the funny one, the one that puts a smile on our faces on a daily basis, when he is stressed out or busy he has his earphones in his ears and listens to music, and says ok time to “Zone” , then at the desk next to me on my left is the “queen in our department” yes I mean the gay one… sometimes he can make you laugh with his antics but sometimes he can also make you angry, he flirts with all the guys and honestly half of them flirt back, but we all know that they are joking and there is no truth to the flirting so to speak, then there is the lady that sits opposite him, she happens to be my bosses sister, while at the best of times we do not get along there are other times where we can have a good conversation, then there is my Boss, in the beginning we got on like a house on fire, but then realised what you see is not what you get, so I distanced myself a bit and stuck to just doing my work, since then I have decided to put all that aside and change the way I thought of her, and we actually get on very well, then there is her Boss who happens to be one of the head honchos so to speak, you would think that all the money he has that it would go to his head but it hasn’t, and I have the utmost respect for him, he truly is one of the coolest bosses I know.
Then as they say save the best for last… J, then there is the man that sits opposite me, I have so much respect for him, he like me has given his life to the Lord, he is a great example and a really good hearted person. He was a key player in me giving my life back to Jesus, he has helped me by speaking of his past experiences, giving me books to read and DVD’s to watch, given me scriptures to read, heck he even bought me a bible, more than anything he has just been someone I could speak to, not everyone understands what it’s like to be a Christian, and it was nice being able to speak with someone who has similar beliefs about Christianity as me. The Lord has amazing things in store for him I just know it, and I don’t consider him a co-worker but instead a friend.
So there you have it, those are my co-workers, while there are many more these guys are the ones I call my work family, we truly are that, when one of us is down the others will all go out of their way to make them feel better, in their own little way they all add value to our little family, the one that makes us laugh, the one that always has medicine for the sick ones J, pain pills he has, flu meds he has, nausea meds he has, not because he is addicted to it but because he likes to be prepared, and let me tell you those meds have come in handy many times. These people are the reason I am still there, the reason why I have not left this company to find a better paying job.
Then I also have my own business, it is a bridal business which I started almost 2 years ago, it does not make that much money, in fact I have not had an order in a couple of months, but I have had a few good orders, but the business never really took off, even though I spent thousands on this business. I was passionate about it and thought that’s what I was meant to do.
So here is my prayer request, I have a Job that is not great and doesn’t pay well but I have a family there that I have not found at any other company, then there is my business, while I worked hard at it and thought that it was truly what I was meant to be doing, and had every intention of resigning once my business has taken off, I find myself now at a crossroads, you see the more I immerse myself in the word of God the more I strive to be obedient to God the more detached I feel from my business, and feel that I need to close shop so to speak, I need to know what is the right thing in these two areas of my life, do I look for a better paying Job and leave the one I currently have, or do I stay, and do I close my business once and for all or do I continue to work on it and make it work.
I am praying about this but if anyone reading this would like to add to my prayers please feel free to do so, if you have any advice or word from the Lord please share it with me as I am still battling to discern what is from God and what not.
Hope you All have a blessed weekend.