I have been trying my best to fight these feelings but it is not easy. The last few weeks I have been on such an emotional roller-coaster, and right now I am struggling to think positively. I have had issues with family members, one that is suicidal due to financial problems, and as a result I am getting myself into financial trouble because I am just so scared of what might happen if someone does not help. Then there is another family member that is in the position to help but refuses to.
I know this might seem like I am whining and complaining but I need to let it out somehow, and at this point in time there is no one in my family that I can speak to, it’s almost as if we are at war with each other, because we don’t see eye to eye.
I feel almost as if I am falling further and further into this big hole and soon I will not be able to get out, don’t get me wrong I am praying and reading my bible, but nothing seems to change. I keep asking myself the question, is this God that is testing my faith perhaps? Or is this satan attacking me knowing exactly where my weaknesses are and feeding off of them. I just don’t know.
Whatever the answer to that question, my love for the Lord does not change, I know that he is here with me and that if he weren’t maybe things would be 10 times worse. One thing I know for sure I MUST KEEP the faith that things will improve, without God I cannot go on, this might seem like a contradiction to some people, but here is something for those of you that see it that way, I am human and also struggle with emotions, doubts and fears. Just because I choose to put my faith in God does not make it any easier. I dare say that it becomes even more difficult for us because we now have the devil trying to make us fall.
It is very easy to fall and think things that are not of Christ because our whole lives we have been conditioned into that way of thinking but when we submit to the Lord and strive to become like him it takes HARD work, determination, effort and above all else FAITH, to be able to stay on the narrow path.
There are many out there that are facing the same things I am, just know that you MUST keep the faith, God will never let you go through trials more than what you are able to overcome.
Just writing this post has made me feel slightly better actually. I don’t know about you but I find blogging to be quite therapeutic.
Well 2011 was a very difficult year for me, I wanted it to end, that clock could not have struck 12 any sooner than what it had, everyone was counting down for the new year to begin I was counting down for the old one to end, or so I thought.
Then I sat and thought about everything that has happened and thought that maybe JUST maybe 2011 was the best year yet.
I met some amazing people, had some good laughs, memories that I will cherish forever. I had to face a lot of hard truths about me and the path I was on. I lost a family member someone who I loved dearly; family secrets were revealed that shook me to the core. I had been through a rejection by someone I cared for dearly, but yet through all that today our relationship is stronger than ever and we have remained friends through it, in fact I am a stronger woman today because of him.
I suffered from severe depression, I didn’t want to live or SO I THOUGHT, but looking back at the past couple of months it was never a depression it was an emptiness something was missing in my life something that was meant to be there but just was not. Somewhere along my life Journey I lost Jesus, but 2011 was the year that I found him, the emptiness is Gone AND THAT WAS THE BEST PART OF 2011, what was missing in my life is now present, not only did I find Jesus I also found myself, the person that was buried under all the pain and heartache, the person that was consumed by her struggle.
I have made some amazing friends, some whom I have grown to depend on some who have been an inspiration. So I would like to mention some friends and family here, just to say thank you for making my 2011 great.
Firstly to Gigi (you know who you are), the friend that convinced me to write about my feelings, the whole reason I started this blog, you have been a pillar of strength to me in so many ways even though you are so far away, the times we shared when we lived together and worked together I will cherish forever, the jokes we made the laughs we had are a part of y memory and can never be erased. I LOVE YOU FRIEND, DEARLY. I can’t wait for the day when I will get so see you again, I can like to think I will pee in my JEAN PANT hahahahah ok so friend I can’t get the accent through to you on this blog but I am sure you can picture me saying it and I bet you right now you are REALLY just about to pee in your jean pant with laughter.
Then I want to thank my mother for Just being there, and doing the best she could with what she had, I Love YOU.
To my brother for being my support system month after month even though you too are struggling.
To my sister for believing in me when others sometimes didn’t.
Ok so for the sake of anonymity once again thank you to Frikkie hee hee… I complain a lot I know, and you have been the one at work that has just sat there listening to me all day long, goodness knows how annoying I must be sometimes, thank you for being someone I could talk to about work, issues, and about God, thank you for being a key player in me finding the thing that was missing in my life. Thank you to Lourens, too for putting up with my constant BBM messages asking about things that I do not understand regarding Christianity or things that I just need clarity on, thank you both for being so transparent in your love for Jesus, it was that transparency that made me want more in my life. You both are such an inspiration to me Thank you.
Thank you to Michele, even though we have never met, in the past 2 months we have become close via this blog and been an inspiration to each other, I feel a real connection to you and that connection is Jesus, I see you as a sister in Christ. Who knows maybe one day I will get to meet my new friend.
To John, also one of my new blogging friends, both you and your blog have been an inspiration, for me and I look forward to reading your blog every time I see a new post, your testimony is one that can greatly help others that are now where you have already been in your life, it was through your blog that God gave me the confirmation that I needed to do what needs to be done.
When I started this blog I never thought for one moment that I would get to interact with so many people and it is amazing, this blog has been a huge healing process for me and I never thought I would ever say this but I have discovered a new passion, and that is this blog, writing these posts have been an unbelievable healing process for me.
So to all of you who have influenced my life THANK you I pray that 2012 will be an amazing year for all of you.
ABOVE ALL, thank you Lord for filling this gap in my life, and making me the strong Woman I am today, and it just keeps getting better.
Isaiah 43:18-19 – “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
So in answering my posts title/question 2011 was by far the best year yet, bring on 2012 it can only get better.
Well where do I start, I find the way I feel very difficult to put into words, I can go on and on about how you have changed me and renewed me, and I can try and explain it to people, but what I cannot put into words is the extent of the change I feel, it is just that what I feel, the amount of LOVE that I feel is almost like it TOO much to contain, and it needs to come out, I need to share it with others. I went to bed last night feeling different to the way I feel today, I woke up this morning and felt like a WHOLE NEW PERSON. I feel HAPPY and at peace, I really feel like you are here inside my heart. I feel like crying, not because I am SAD but because I am HAPPY, because I am so INLOVE with you, because I have never EVER felt a love like this.
I LOVE YOU, more than words could ever explain, and you have changed me more than I could ever have asked for or imagined.
So let me go back in time again and try to explain to people reading this the change in me, when I first started to blog, in fact my VERY 1st blog, was about my life experiences and the things I have been through, I started off with it being about me, and with every post I did I felt like I got a little closer to YOU. I was the kind of person that would never look for the good in a situation, I would always focus on the bad, and I let situations in my life get the better of me. I don’t remember ever being truly happy, in fact, for most of my life I would think of Death and how much I did not want to be here, that I’d RATHER DIE. I never had an easy life, and often felt worthless. I am not sharing this with everyone because I want people to feel sorry for me; I am sharing it because I feel this is the best way to explain exactly HOW AMAZING YOU ARE, even though I feel that EVEN THIS does not come close to how you should be described.
Up until yesterday I still had my bouts of Depression, wondering when things would go better, but today I feel so different it’s as if you have changed me OVERNIGHT. I am sitting at my computer with this permanent grin on my face sooner or later one of my colleagues, will see it and wonder what is going on, I feel like I want to explode with the amount of LOVE I feel right now, not only the LOVE I have for you but the LOVE you have for me, this love is too much to contain, WAY too much for me to keep to myself I need to share it.
Normally this time of the month I am worried because of financial issues and many other issues, but my problems seem so small now, I don’t care about the problems anymore because I HAVE YOU, and YOU are SO MUCH bigger than my problems and YOU are SO MUCH more AMAZING and YOU HAVE MY BACK so I don’t need to worry about the problems.
I LOVE YOU JESUS!!! And I KNOW YOU LOVE ME!!!
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved (Ephesians 2:4-5).
Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies (Psalm 36:5).
How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings (Psalm 36:7).
Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends John 15:13).
Someone that suffers from depression will never really admit to it, as for most it seems like a sign of weakness, I was and still am one of those people, today for the first time I admitted to myself as well as 2 other people that I think/know that I suffer from depression, the severity of it I don’t know, what I do know is that I can’t remember long periods of my life when I was happy. My life has been this dull existence of the same routine every day, nothing changes, just the problems seem to get bigger with every passing day.
I sometimes wonder when will things get better, but they won’t not unless I DO SOMETHING about it and what I mean about doing something about it I mean trusting fully in the Lord, when I followed and served the Lord with all my heart, back when all I could think about was the next church service, church and GOD was my drug, it’s how I got high, I didn’t need pills and powders, all I needed was GOD.
That is how I know now that I have become lukewarm, the minute I start to stray from the Lord it feels like my world starts falling apart like nothing goes right.
God is the cure for anything, the payment for that cure was His blood, all you have to do is believe in Him and what he has planned for you, have a little faith in Him; He has so much planned for all of us so many blessings to bestow on our lives. If only we stopped believing in all the new age nonsense, like crystal healing, sangoma’s and what not, how is putting a crystal under your pillow at night supposed to help you, just the same as having one in your purse is going to bring more money, I used to believe in all that and look where it got me?? ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE……. (if you don’t know what a sangoma is it’s a witch doctor) or go google it.
GOD IS MY GP, He is my healer, my doctor, my hospital and my medication. No doctor or strong anti-depressant will help me, I have been there done that, granted the anti-depressant are good so good in fact that I ended up feeling no emotion at all, I could have seen a child been knocked over by a bus and I would have felt NOTHING!!! Who wants to live like that? I don’t. I lost a lot of people I cared about because of that a lot of friends broke all contact with me because they thought I did not give a damn, I even lost my Job.
I will now put all my trust and faith in Him, and I know it will work I know it will get better. All I have to do is practice Faith.
If anyone reads this post and you are not sure about whether you have depression or not … well let me just give you my symptoms and you can make your own decisions
- Tired all the time – spend most of my free time in bed.
- Irritated and annoyed
- Appetite changes
- The feeling of inadequacy or not being good enough, being a failure
- Just plain sadness or the blues, not wanting to do things you previously enjoyed
- Becoming antisocial and avoiding contact or interaction with others unless you have to
There are more, but if you think you have it you have many options, you can leave it and hope that it goes away, you can go see a doctor, or you can believe in GOD… one option I would recommend to do is to speak to someone you trust, it is nothing to be ashamed of and you don’t need to do it alone that’s why you have friends who can be a shoulder to cry on or just to offer support or guidance, and you never know you might see that you are not the only one that feels the way you do and you are in fact not going crazy.
Here are some scriptures that can help you:
Proverbs 12:25: Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs it down, but a good word cheers it up.
2 Samuel 22:17-22 – He sent from above, he took me; he drew me out of many waters; (18) He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them that hated me: for they were too strong for me. (19) They prevented me in the day of my calamity: but the Lord was my stay. (20) He brought me forth also into a large place: he delivered me, because he delighted in me. (21) The Lord rewarded me according to my righteousness: according to the cleanness of my hands hath he recompensed me. (22) For I have kept the ways of the Lord, and have not wickedly departed from my God.
2 Samuel 22:29 – You are my lamp O Lord; the Lord turns my darkness into light.
Ecclesiastes 9:4– Anyone who is among the living has hope.
Psalms 9:9 – The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
Psalm 27:14 – Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.
Psalm 31:22,24 – You heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help… Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.
Psalm 34:18, 19 – The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (19) A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.