OK, so it’s been a VERY long time since I have posted here, from posting almost every day to 1 post in a blue moon, honestly it’s not because I did not want to but because I had nothing to write about, no inspiration, no stories to tell, no thoughts to share.
I must admit I do miss it as it was a release, or perhaps even an escape from reality, which sort of makes sense considering in the past year I haven’t had that need to escape, the need to run the need to be alone with my thoughts, the past year has been amazing, I have had so much happiness.
This is why I am here today. I know I have posted something similar before but I felt the need to do so again, somehow it all feels too good to be true as if I do not deserve all this happiness and it could be ripped away at any moment. These negative thoughts started creeping in my mind last night while my boyfriend was packing to go away for a conference, you see HE is the source of my recent happiness, I don’t remember the last time I have been this happy as I have been with him.
What you are about to read has been something I have struggled with for many years, but yesterday it came back with such an intensity that I started to cry. While you read this you might think I am crazy but I can assure you I am not, and unless you have experienced this there is no way for you to understand what it feels like to have these thoughts invade your mind and then when they are there to struggle to change them from a negative to a positive.
While my boyfriend was packing I looked at him and suddenly the thought that I would never see him again was all I could think about, these thoughts are not only scary but almost crippling, all I could think about was, what if… what if something happened and he never came home, where does that leave me… it got to the point that if I had remained in the room with him I would have burst into tears. so I got up and went to shower, in the shower the feelings just overwhelmed me and I could not stop the tears from coming, that did not last long though I stood in the shower and the first thing that came to my mind was GOD & CHURCH… why ??? I have no idea but it did. So I prayed for Shaun’s Safety and that he would return home to me. I then realized that my relationship with God has not been what it was. So I made a promise to not only fix that but to try and get Shaun to accept Him as well.
After showering I sat on the bed and thought to myself that I would discuss going back to church with Shaun some other time, but something kept telling do it now, if you don’t do it now you never will. So I decided to tell Shaun and I did, he responded better than I had hoped he said it’s something he has been thinking about as well and that he is all open to us going to church.
So that is what we will be doing and it feels good.
There is still one thing though the negative thoughts while they went away last night after my decision they came back today, but now as writing this the negative thoughts are once again gone, however I know at some point they will return, does anyone else suffer from kind of anxiety and how do you deal with it?
It will be nice to hear from you guys.
Someone that suffers from depression will never really admit to it, as for most it seems like a sign of weakness, I was and still am one of those people, today for the first time I admitted to myself as well as 2 other people that I think/know that I suffer from depression, the severity of it I don’t know, what I do know is that I can’t remember long periods of my life when I was happy. My life has been this dull existence of the same routine every day, nothing changes, just the problems seem to get bigger with every passing day.
I sometimes wonder when will things get better, but they won’t not unless I DO SOMETHING about it and what I mean about doing something about it I mean trusting fully in the Lord, when I followed and served the Lord with all my heart, back when all I could think about was the next church service, church and GOD was my drug, it’s how I got high, I didn’t need pills and powders, all I needed was GOD.
That is how I know now that I have become lukewarm, the minute I start to stray from the Lord it feels like my world starts falling apart like nothing goes right.
God is the cure for anything, the payment for that cure was His blood, all you have to do is believe in Him and what he has planned for you, have a little faith in Him; He has so much planned for all of us so many blessings to bestow on our lives. If only we stopped believing in all the new age nonsense, like crystal healing, sangoma’s and what not, how is putting a crystal under your pillow at night supposed to help you, just the same as having one in your purse is going to bring more money, I used to believe in all that and look where it got me?? ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE……. (if you don’t know what a sangoma is it’s a witch doctor) or go google it.
GOD IS MY GP, He is my healer, my doctor, my hospital and my medication. No doctor or strong anti-depressant will help me, I have been there done that, granted the anti-depressant are good so good in fact that I ended up feeling no emotion at all, I could have seen a child been knocked over by a bus and I would have felt NOTHING!!! Who wants to live like that? I don’t. I lost a lot of people I cared about because of that a lot of friends broke all contact with me because they thought I did not give a damn, I even lost my Job.
I will now put all my trust and faith in Him, and I know it will work I know it will get better. All I have to do is practice Faith.
If anyone reads this post and you are not sure about whether you have depression or not … well let me just give you my symptoms and you can make your own decisions
- Tired all the time – spend most of my free time in bed.
- Irritated and annoyed
- Appetite changes
- The feeling of inadequacy or not being good enough, being a failure
- Just plain sadness or the blues, not wanting to do things you previously enjoyed
- Becoming antisocial and avoiding contact or interaction with others unless you have to
There are more, but if you think you have it you have many options, you can leave it and hope that it goes away, you can go see a doctor, or you can believe in GOD… one option I would recommend to do is to speak to someone you trust, it is nothing to be ashamed of and you don’t need to do it alone that’s why you have friends who can be a shoulder to cry on or just to offer support or guidance, and you never know you might see that you are not the only one that feels the way you do and you are in fact not going crazy.
Here are some scriptures that can help you:
Proverbs 12:25: Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs it down, but a good word cheers it up.
2 Samuel 22:17-22 – He sent from above, he took me; he drew me out of many waters; (18) He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them that hated me: for they were too strong for me. (19) They prevented me in the day of my calamity: but the Lord was my stay. (20) He brought me forth also into a large place: he delivered me, because he delighted in me. (21) The Lord rewarded me according to my righteousness: according to the cleanness of my hands hath he recompensed me. (22) For I have kept the ways of the Lord, and have not wickedly departed from my God.
2 Samuel 22:29 – You are my lamp O Lord; the Lord turns my darkness into light.
Ecclesiastes 9:4– Anyone who is among the living has hope.
Psalms 9:9 – The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
Psalm 27:14 – Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.
Psalm 31:22,24 – You heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help… Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.
Psalm 34:18, 19 – The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (19) A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.