Ok so it’s a New Year and along with the New Year I have decided to make certain changes in my life. Today has been a strange day, while it should have been a good day for me it was slightly off… all the things that have been bothering me the past few months or so just flooded to the surface I don’t know if it was just because it’s a new year or because I am now older and things need to change I don’t know, and NO I am not having a midlife crisis lol im NOT THAT OLD HA HA
For those that know me, know that I find it extremely difficult to say NO, if someone asks for help whatever it may be I always seem to say yes, and everyone seems to come to me, because they know I am sure to help, while that is my aim to help others in need, now this is where I struggle with this matter, we are supposed to help people in need, but must we still help when the help borders on use and abuse, go to Bernadette she WILL DEFINATELY help you…? Do I have the right to say no then? You see I have this problem with certain people, and while they help me a lot as well I feel like I am being taken advantage of because they have a certain attitude of you owe me so you must do this for me… keep mentioning I did this and this and that for you so you must help me with this favour. Not taking into consideration how many little favours I do which all add up, sometimes more often than not I have to cancel my plans and drop everything because generally these favours are required of me at the last minute.
Then there is the issue of my Mother, while my mother herself is not the issue, the issue involves her. You see I look after my mother, and I do it with the greatest of pleasure, although sometimes it is a struggle, as I do not earn a lot of money. While my brother helps me where he can, my sister does very little, please do not get me wrong here, I am not trying to name and shame anyone nor am I purposely airing our dirty laundry as they say but this has bothered me for some time and I do not know how to handle it. I have approached my sister about this before but have had no success, I am not asking for hand out just merely for her to take some responsibility as well. While I understand her reason for not doing more, I just feel that it’s a bit unfair that I am left to do it by myself. She believes that my mother lived her life made her mistakes and why must she suffer for it ok I understand SOME of her reasoning but not all of it. It really is a struggle for me honestly my brother has helped me so much even though he himself is struggling, whereas my sister has no financial problems at the moment. That is what bothers me the most, is that while she can help she does not, and I must admit it is causing a bit of resentment. I do not want to start 2012 off like this but I do not know quite how to deal with this issue without making the problem worse, the last thing I want is to cause a rift between my sister and I, as despite our issues I love her very much and do not want to have a strained relationship. (So here is where the peacemaker / people pleaser in me comes out and says well then this is best left unsaid and buried under the carpet)
I was sitting at my laptop and thinking if the things that needed to change and realised that the 2 problems above are 2 BIG issues in my life and I feel it is holding me back, while another issue is financial, it really is a struggle every month so tonight I decided to update my CV (resume) and apply for other jobs, jobs that paid more than what I was earning. I applied for one position and suddenly I felt this uneasiness come over me, it’s like when people say trust your gut, it was that kind of feeling that something was just not right, I chatted to my friend about it, he told me that I should listen and not look for another Job right now, God is clearly trying to tell me that the time is not right. Which led me to the question WHY? Why is the time not right, why have I been put in these situations, etc etc. My friend then told me that everything happens for a reason, God has a bigger plan for me and that me wanting to find another Job is not part of his plan right now. My friend is right; however it is still not easy. I have prayed about my financial situation before and things just do not seem to change, while I trust God and his plan, I just wonder sometimes wonder when things will change. While here it may seem to you that I have no faith that things will change, I prayed about it and continue to thank God for it. Maybe I am not doing it right I have no clue.
I will continue to pray and trust God and His timing, as well as some clarity on why finding another Job that will pay more not the right thing for me.
While some of you might think that I am complaining I really am not, this is something that has really been bothering me and I needed to get it out somehow, bottling it up is just making it worse.
So… sorry to those that have read this and did not enjoy reading it but this blog is after all my Journey and the struggles I face are part of the same Journey.
If anyone is facing a similar situation please feel free to leave a comment. I would love to know how others deal with these things.
God Bless all.
Ok so my last post was about 2011 being the best year of my life, now let’s do 2012, I am not one to make resolutions as I never seem to keep to them, in the years past I have found that I set unbelievably high goals for myself and unrealistic resolutions. This year I have decided that, I will not set any resolutions, NOT ONE. I will however make certain commitments to God and to myself, and I will take it 1 day at a time.
1st the MOST important commitment I make is to be a vessel of God’s light and allowing him to shine through me, through my attitude, my deeds, my words I want people to see a change in me, I want them to see how Great God is.
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven (Matthew 5:16).
The night is far spent, the day is at hand. Therefore let us cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armour of light. (Romans 13:12)
2nd I commit to reading my bible even if it’s for 5 minutes a day but EVERY day.
3rd I commit to scripture memory; a Christian will not always have their bible handy when in “sticky” situations so being able to refer to them at any given moment is an amazing ability.
4th I commit to improving my prayer life, and spending more quiet time with God.
5thI commit to fasting, whether it be 3 days, 10 days, 21 days whatever it is, I will make this an important part of my life and will do it periodically.
6th I commit to a healthier lifestyle, eating healthier meals, drinking more water etc, start walking… while I don’t drink much alcohol anymore I do have the occasional drink, I want this to stop COMPLETELY I do not want to drink.
7th I commit to being more involved in the church whether it be volunteering as an usher or handing out pamphlets at the door whatever it is I will become more involved
8th I commit to joining a home group in my area, and meeting new people, making new Christian friends that I can encourage and also be encouraged by.
9th I commit to helping the needy wherever I can, feeding the homeless on Christmas day was an amazing experience and I commit to doing it more often not only once a year.
10th I commit to reducing the time I spend watching TV and to use that extra time to speak to God.
11th I commit to standing up for myself and to not let people walk all over me and abuse me just because I do not know how to say NO.
12th I commit to saturate my everyday life with God, whether it be reading Christian books, listening to Christian CD’s, pasting scriptures and verses all over my house, I want my life to be a constant reminder to me that I am a Christian and that I live for Jesus.
Yes so I have 12 “commitments” there are 12 months in a year so 12 commitments is an ok amount I would say. And NO I will not tackle 1 commitment a month they will all be tackled on a daily basis. And by the end of 2012 and beginning of 2013 I will be EVEN more amazed at my transformation through Jesus as what I am right now.
Well 2011 was a very difficult year for me, I wanted it to end, that clock could not have struck 12 any sooner than what it had, everyone was counting down for the new year to begin I was counting down for the old one to end, or so I thought.
Then I sat and thought about everything that has happened and thought that maybe JUST maybe 2011 was the best year yet.
I met some amazing people, had some good laughs, memories that I will cherish forever. I had to face a lot of hard truths about me and the path I was on. I lost a family member someone who I loved dearly; family secrets were revealed that shook me to the core. I had been through a rejection by someone I cared for dearly, but yet through all that today our relationship is stronger than ever and we have remained friends through it, in fact I am a stronger woman today because of him.
I suffered from severe depression, I didn’t want to live or SO I THOUGHT, but looking back at the past couple of months it was never a depression it was an emptiness something was missing in my life something that was meant to be there but just was not. Somewhere along my life Journey I lost Jesus, but 2011 was the year that I found him, the emptiness is Gone AND THAT WAS THE BEST PART OF 2011, what was missing in my life is now present, not only did I find Jesus I also found myself, the person that was buried under all the pain and heartache, the person that was consumed by her struggle.
I have made some amazing friends, some whom I have grown to depend on some who have been an inspiration. So I would like to mention some friends and family here, just to say thank you for making my 2011 great.
Firstly to Gigi (you know who you are), the friend that convinced me to write about my feelings, the whole reason I started this blog, you have been a pillar of strength to me in so many ways even though you are so far away, the times we shared when we lived together and worked together I will cherish forever, the jokes we made the laughs we had are a part of y memory and can never be erased. I LOVE YOU FRIEND, DEARLY. I can’t wait for the day when I will get so see you again, I can like to think I will pee in my JEAN PANT hahahahah ok so friend I can’t get the accent through to you on this blog but I am sure you can picture me saying it and I bet you right now you are REALLY just about to pee in your jean pant with laughter.
Then I want to thank my mother for Just being there, and doing the best she could with what she had, I Love YOU.
To my brother for being my support system month after month even though you too are struggling.
To my sister for believing in me when others sometimes didn’t.
Ok so for the sake of anonymity once again thank you to Frikkie hee hee… I complain a lot I know, and you have been the one at work that has just sat there listening to me all day long, goodness knows how annoying I must be sometimes, thank you for being someone I could talk to about work, issues, and about God, thank you for being a key player in me finding the thing that was missing in my life. Thank you to Lourens, too for putting up with my constant BBM messages asking about things that I do not understand regarding Christianity or things that I just need clarity on, thank you both for being so transparent in your love for Jesus, it was that transparency that made me want more in my life. You both are such an inspiration to me Thank you.
Thank you to Michele, even though we have never met, in the past 2 months we have become close via this blog and been an inspiration to each other, I feel a real connection to you and that connection is Jesus, I see you as a sister in Christ. Who knows maybe one day I will get to meet my new friend.
To John, also one of my new blogging friends, both you and your blog have been an inspiration, for me and I look forward to reading your blog every time I see a new post, your testimony is one that can greatly help others that are now where you have already been in your life, it was through your blog that God gave me the confirmation that I needed to do what needs to be done.
When I started this blog I never thought for one moment that I would get to interact with so many people and it is amazing, this blog has been a huge healing process for me and I never thought I would ever say this but I have discovered a new passion, and that is this blog, writing these posts have been an unbelievable healing process for me.
So to all of you who have influenced my life THANK you I pray that 2012 will be an amazing year for all of you.
ABOVE ALL, thank you Lord for filling this gap in my life, and making me the strong Woman I am today, and it just keeps getting better.
Isaiah 43:18-19 – “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
So in answering my posts title/question 2011 was by far the best year yet, bring on 2012 it can only get better.